I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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