Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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