I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
