Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize