I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
