girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
