A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
