I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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