then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
