Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
