I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
