perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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