...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
