i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize