halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize