A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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