i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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