You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
