But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
