I accidentally had phone sex last night
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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