you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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