Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
