If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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