I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
