Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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