there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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