Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
