we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
