so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
