Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
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