My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize
