i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You need a sexual gate keeper
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
