After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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