Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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