gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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