i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
