My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
