someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Randomize
