We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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