Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
