im having a threesome with these popsicles
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
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