Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
