Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
