My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
