When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
