it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
