and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I stole a fireplace last night.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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