I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
