listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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