I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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