I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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