i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
