how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
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