I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
