Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
