Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
