u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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