Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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