I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
