yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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