you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize