There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
