I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
